hobbit-humanist

Oh Those Pesky Popes!

If you thought the current Pope Benedict XVI who resigned on the 11th of this month was a bit questionable on some things then lets take a trip through history and have a look at some previous ones.

Pope Stephen VI (896-897).

Something of a nasty piece of work. He exhumed the previous Pope Formusus and put his rotting corpse on trial in January of 897. The corpse was propped up on a throne and a deacon had to answer for him. His crimes? Performing the duties of a bishop when he wasn’t one, among other chargers. After being found guilty the cadaver of Formusus was stripped of all sacred vestments and buried in a grave garbed as a layman with three fingers of the right hand (the so called blessing fingers) being cut off. That wasn’t enough though, the body was dug up again and thrown into the river Tiber. The events caused concern within the ruling powers of the day and Stephen was imprisoned and strangled.

Pope Sergius III (897-911)

Sergius was only pope known to have ordered the murder of another pope and the only pope known to have fathered an illegitimate son who later became pope; his pontificate has been described as “dismal and disgraceful”. The pontificate of Sergius III was remarkable for the rise of what papal historians call a “pornocracy,” or rule of the harlots, a reversal of the natural order as they saw it. A mistress of his gave birth to the later Pope John XI.

Pope John XII (955-964)

If you thought Benedict IX was having all the fun you’d be wrong, enter John XII. On 963, Holy Roman Emperor Otto I summoned a council, levelling charges that John had ordained a deacon in a stable, consecrated a 10-year-old boy as bishop of Todi, converted the Lateran Palace into a brothel (that place again!), raped female pilgrims in St. Peter’s, stolen church offerings, drank toasts to the devil, and invoked the aid of Jove, Venus, and other pagan gods when playing dice. He was deposed, but returned as pope when Otto left Rome, maiming and mutilating all who had opposed him. On 964, he was apparently beaten by the husband of a woman with which he was having an affair, dying three days later without receiving confession or the sacraments.

Pope Boniface (974, 984-5)

Known as an anti-pope, he’s alleged to have put pope Benedict the VI to death. He evidently wasn’t popular and when things went wrong and there were uprisings against him he fled with vast amounts of treasure to Constantinople but came back later to depose pope John XIV. Boniface is said to have died under suspicious circumstances, no kidding?!

Pope John XV (985-996)

The Pope’s venality and nepotism had made him very unpopular with the citizens, as he split the church’s finances among his relatives and was described as “covetous of filthy lucre and corrupt in all his acts”.

Pope Benedict the IX (1032-1044 then again in 1045, then again in 1047-48)

There’s no doubting Benedict IX was a bit of a character and one of my personal favourites. the only man to have served as Pope for three discontinuous periods, and one of the most controversial Popes of all time. Benedict gave up his papacy for the first time in exchange for a large sum of money in 1044. He returned in 1045 to depose his replacement and reigned for one month. after which he left again, possibly to marry, and sold the papacy for a second time, to his Godfather (possibly for over 650 kg /1450 lb of gold). Two years later, Benedict retook Rome and reigned for an additional one year, until 1048. Poppo of Brixen (later to become Pope Damascus II) eventually forced him out of Rome. Benedict’s place and date of death are unknown. It’s said he knew very little theological stuff but didn’t care because he was well connected. He’s often quoted as being the first homosexual pope and had orgies in the Lateran palace. The Catholic Encyclopaedia calls him “a disgrace to the Chair of Peter”, I call him a party animal. There’s so much more I could say on this one but I suspect you get the idea!

Pope Innocent IV (1243-1254)

Innocent by name but don’t be fooled. Mr Inquisition himself ordered the papal bull ‘Ad Extirpanda’ which basically authorised torture to get so called heretics to confess. One of the most famous people being tortured by inquisitors was of course Galileo or said that the earth revolved around the sun (and was right of course). He also issued papal bulls against the Mongol’s and asked them to stop killing christians (though it was alright for christians to kill fellow christians and none christians), they weren’t impressed and sent a letter back telling him to shove it where the sun don’t shine.

Pope Urban XI (1378-1389)

He was the first Pope of the Western Schism (which ultimately lead to three people claiming the Papal throne at the same time). I guess everyone wanted in on the orgies, torture and murder then? Launched a program of violence against those he thought to have been conspiring against him, imprisoning people at will and mistreating them brutally. Later historians have considered seriously that he might have been insane. He is said to have complained he did not hear enough screaming when cardinals were being tortured.

Pope Alexander VI (1492-1503)

He is one of the most controversial of the Renaissance popes, and his Italianized surname Borgia became a byword for libertinism and nepotism. Pope Alexander’s claims to fame were taking over much of Italy by force with the help of his son Cesare (yes, his son), a racy relationship with his daughter Lucrezia (some say her son was his), and his affinity for throwing large parties, bordering on orgies, that usually culminated with little naked boys jumping out of large cakes.

Pope Leo X (1513 to 1521)

Known mainly for the sale of indulgences (an alleged guaranteed ticket to heaven etc) which the profits were used to rebuild St Peters basilica and to challenge the upstart Martin Luther, evidently you needed cash to thwart rivals back then, having god in your corner wasn’t enough. His decadence pissed people off and an assassination attempt was tried but failed. Leo was no idiot and had the conspirators poisoned.

Pope Paul IV (1555-59?)

Pronounced the Jews condemned to slavery by god, created the ghetto of Rome and is quoted as saying “If my own father were a heretic I would personally gather the wood to burn him.”

 Pope Pius XI (1922-1939)

 Personally blessed Italian planes that went to bomb Ethiopian villages during the 1935 war of imperial conquest. Is quoted to have said “Mussolini is a wonderful man. Do you hear me, a wonderful man!”. Oh dear.

Pope Pius XII (1939-1948)

A professional fence sitter during world war two. Roman Catholics in Poland felt betrayed by him when Germany invaded and he didn’t condemn the deaths of around 1,800,000–1,900,000 Poles. Followed a policy of neutrality though he had many dodgy friendships with German hierarchy and people like  Ante Pavelić. Ignored reports of the holocaust. Enough said. I wrote a blog on Pius XI & XII in more detail here).

And of course we have the outgoing one …. number 265th

Pope Benedict XVI (2005 – gone very soon)

Where do I start? Didn’t like cohabiting which he thought was “gravely sinful” and undermined society (March 2012). Didn’t like condoms “[AIDS is] a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems.”(March 2009). Didn’t like gay or lesbian people “Although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered to an intrinsic moral evil, and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder.” (1986). And of gay marriage “[It's] an offence against the truth of the human person, with serious harm to justice and peace.” (December 2012). If you happily married heterosexual couples think you got off lightly then think again, couples that opt for any birth control method outside of Rick Santorum’s questionable “Rhythm Method” (which successfully created eight children) are “negating the intimate truth of conjugal love.” (October 2008).

And sexual abuse revelations and countless claims within the catholic church? Let’s not even go there because my fingers would fall off with the typing needed!